Yeah, I had one of those yesterday. It came out of nowhere. I was complaining, something I've been doing a bit much of lately. I was writing out my prayer, as I like to do, and all the sudden the words on the page hit me like a ton of bricks. I may have put pen to the paper and scratched them out, but those words weren't mine. Otherwise I wouldn't have been so shocked.
Prayer Journal Entry, November 12, 2014:
I failed. Again and again.
(And then here it came...) Am I grateful for Your grace that covers my mistakes or am I only bitter to be in situations in which failure in an ongoing possibility?
(insert weeping over the realization that I was the second option)
If I'm honest, I'm bitter. I so take Your grace for granted that I not only expect it to cover me when I fail, but to make my path so straight and flat that failure isn't in my realm of possibilities.
I have begun to believe and even endorse the lie that Your grace is not enough because I have expected it to make me comfortable and happy instead of whole.
Meanwhile, I'm drowning in Your ocean of grace. More than I even knew. I was being given grace I couldn't fathom I even needed.
I couldn't fathom it because I was so completely lost in my own self that I missed the point of grace altogether. Let me never again take Your abundant grace for granted or doubt it's worth and working in my life.
Your grace has so much more depth than my happiness and ease.
Grace is given to me that I may drown in it instead of this world.
Yet here I am fighting desperately to swim and getting nowhere.
I want to be lost in Your grace - so very aware of all my failures and simultaneously even more aware of Your great love that was, is and ever will be enough to save me and make me whole.
That You are molding me into the image of Your Son is the most beautiful gift grace could ever unwrap. Forgive me for desiring lesser things.
Change my heart. Purify my desires. Cleanse me of doubt. I know You are doing a greater work.
Now. I've been a Christian my whole life. Went to church in the womb and have rarely missed a Sunday since. I've been taught grace. I've studied grace. I've had revelations of grace. But then I came to a season where it felt as if I couldn't make it if things didn't change or go a certain way. And, let's be honest, I didn't like the person I was in those situations. I prayed and prayed for God to change my situation, to see me through, to get me to the other side. Why wasn't He answering my prayers? Did I not pray enough or with enough faith?? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if God's not answering our prayers it's because we're not praying in line with His will. Apparently the Lord doesn't want my situation to change. He wants ME to change. Better stated, He wants to change me.
I've spent enough time thinking His grace isn't working in my life because I am struggling, because I've failed. Ya know what, I'm going to fail. Again and again. The Lord is going to keep me in situations where failure is a very real possibility. Because it's in those situations where I learn to depend on Him the most. And it's in those situations where His grace shines brightest.
God's not trying to make me successful, or happy, or comfortable.
He's making me whole.
He's not turning me into Supermom/wife or the best at my job.
He's transforming me into the image of Jesus.
And all this only by His grace.
There's no greater gift.